how to get into bed without waking your wife: a primer

i am more of a morning person than my husband, so i generally go to bed much earlier than he does. it's okay, because even if i stay up, i'm not much good after about 10 pm anyways. i'm a pretty sound sleeper so brian doesn't usually wake me when he comes to bed, but there was a period of time a couple years ago when i was not sleeping so well and he would wake me every single night.

the "problem" is that brian sleeps with a ton of pillows including a very large, long, fluffy one called a body pillow. when he came to bed there would be much arranging and shuffling and wiggling and organizing of the pillows, thereby waking me. one evening a couple years ago he decided he had a great solution and would get into bed without waking me. he arranged all his pillows ahead of time, so he just had to get into bed and go to sleep.

so he comes to bed at 1130 pm or something, i'm fast asleep, it's completely dark, and he decides that crawling over the pillows will also wake me, and besides, he has a better idea. WAY better. he is going to stand sideways on his side of the bed and fling his body through the air over the pillows, much like an olympic high jumper, thus landing quietly in bed on the other side of the pillows and not waking me up. what a kind and thoughtful husband he is!

except he is not an olympic high jumper. he is not even a wannabe high jumper. he has had no high jump training at all. in the dark, he misjudged where he was and how to jump and whacked his head on the headboard and YELLED (of course). not to mention the loud and disturbing THWOMP when his body hit the mattress. and he had a sore head and a splitting headache and all i could do was laugh at his misery.